I spent last night laying on my couch with my cat Jada thinking back over the last 23 months. I have endured many losses in a short period of time that singularly could send a person over the edge:
a 10 year relationship
my house and property
all of my pets except 1
my corporate job (after 14 years)
both of my parents
many friends
Dec. 2007, I was physically taken to my knees filled with so much emotional pain that I thought I couldnt take 1 more step forward. I spent countless nights for months with terrible insomnia and would run the Town Lake trail by myself at 0400am 5 days a week. I cried alone many times for hours until there were no tears left. I could barely go out in public because seeing people was too painful and made me feel like I was on the outside of life looking in. I stopped watching TV because I couldnt handle the emotional overstimuation, overdramatization, and negativity in the world. I was forced to leave a 2100 sq. ft house on 4 acres and move to a 423 sq ft. efficiency with borrowed furniture. I
had to accept that it was my new "home", although I hated every minute that I lived there. I still call it my rehab place. One year and 3 jobs later, I had worked my way up to be able to buy my current place in Clarkesville only to lose my job (lay-off) after making the second mortgage payment. 22 job applications, filing for unemployment, and two interviews later, I put myself back on track. Whew!
So why am I telling you all this? Because through it all with a heart torn to pieces and a life that seemed to have no meaning or future, I never allowed those events to break my spirit. Because of my resilience, it allowed me to see (eventually) the good things that living a full life provides that previously went unnoticed. Also, the many hours spent in silence has allowed me to hear what my soul speaks loud and clear. Intellectual and emotional clarity is key. The two are now connected in healthy ways. I have learned that to gain the experiences of true joy and happiness I have to allow myself to experience loss and pain both materially and emotionally.TOTALLY.WORTH.IT.
So today, I would like to give thanks to a world that didnt abandon me when I was close to abondoning myself and to those people who continue to believe in me and look forward to seeing me succeed in more ways than I think are possible....I'm keeping an open mind.
Many Thanks,
Miss B